Miss Jane's Trailer Trash Diary

346 days to go

2005-12-26T15:40:00.000+11:00

OK kids, well obviously all the Christmas martinis and late nights and shopping frenzys and long lunches and lying around watching cable and cracking bottles of champagne and getting pedicures and trying on every shoe in melbourne and testing every lipstick and painting the studio and playing with the fairy lights and counting the sleeps until santa comes have FINALLY caught up with me, and it's time for trailer park manager peggy sue scragface to switch on the no vacancy sign and temporarily close the trailer park gate.

I'll be jetting to swinging las vegas in the morning before moving on to memphis for elvis's birthday - I can hardly believe it!! - and get back the day before tap classes resume - won't that make me a glamorous sight on Monday 23rd!!

For those who know where to find my EXTRA secret blog - I'll be hanging out there until classes resume, and miss scragface deigns to open the trailer park once again.

Thanks for keeping me company in the trailer park, and meet you back here in February!

love
miss jane
xx

scrooge mc banana

2005-12-20T13:30:00.000+11:00

347 days to go

2005-12-20T13:17:00.000+11:00

aaah, holidays - how one loses track of the hours, the days and even the weeks.
The tapping cowpokes have played their last gig for the year, and it was spectacular!
The ABC's Country Christmas Roundup was soooooooooo much fun, and not just because Helen Razer was smashed and swore like a trouper to Mr Grant all night long!

The only tragedy was that the crowd went so wild that an encore was demanded and we hadn't rehearsed anything else! - oops.

I mean, there's nothing more depressing than actually rehearsing an encore dance and then waiting in the wings while the fairy claps peter out within two seconds.

I have now firmly cemented my friendship with ABC Christmas party guru Miss Nicola, and not only because they seem to be able to borrow ANYTHING from the ABC props department at a moments notice. The cowpokes had the best set EVER complete with painted scenery, and prop cows, horses, cacti, and skulls - complete happy days. Where's the camera when you need it!?

Tragically neither the bananas in pyjamas NOR kath'n'kim were on hand, but we did dance the night away to the DJ styling of Miss Fiona Scott Norman, who not only played every song the glamour kittens have ever tapped to, but then finished her set with danke schoen by Wayne Newton.

I can think of no better way to see our taxes at work.

some topics are off limits to everyone but trailer camp tramps

2005-12-19T18:27:00.000+11:00

348 days to go

2005-12-19T18:22:00.000+11:00

This important news just in from our trailer park correspondant in Western Australia, Miss Annabel.

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. They say its just for the Christmas Period.

More news at it comes to hand.

hello sailor! Some of the less naughty sweet sherries

2005-12-19T18:08:00.000+11:00

349 days to go

2005-12-19T18:06:00.000+11:00

Miss Michelle, of sweet sherrys fame has posted some trailer trash pics at
http://cmspencer.gallery.netspace.net.au
I promise there are no pics of Mister John and his rubber bottom.

safety pants + attachment = hilarious

2005-12-14T17:30:00.000+11:00

350 days to go

2005-12-14T17:14:00.000+11:00

safety pant post script: It is, in my opinion, the height of sophisticated humour to attach something to the safety pant for hilarious audience reactions.It might go over some people's heads, but I'm sure the people who made "are you being served" and all those "carry on" movies forged ahead regardless of the same concerns.

Point in case - take eight glamorous showgirls - let them whiz around the dance floor just before interval. wait until the last moment - they turn around and show their safety pants - each has a large letter attached, and together they spell out INTERVAL. A glamour puss classic - my sides are almost splitting thinking of it now.

I'm also fond of lining the gals up the same way at the end of the show with THE END - funny for more reasons than one - definately might be too sophisticated for your mainstream audience - more for those who like Don Rickles and sizzling max vegas.

wear your safety pants, safety pants

2005-12-14T11:51:00.000+11:00

351 days to go

2005-12-14T11:37:00.000+11:00

If there is one thing I pride myself on, it is introducing a generation of showgirls to the safety pant.

The safety pant is a LARGE plain black, or plain white underpant that should be worn AT ALL TIMES on the stage in case of an unintentional flash. The safety pant, whilst providing zero titilation to the onlooker, AND covering up the treasury gardens areas quite thoroughly can also look like an intentional costuming addition, if safety pants are applied by all the dancers in your troupe.

My mission to spread the word of the safety pant began in drama school. During a particularly moving creative dance piece to something by Kate Bush, and involving the smoke machine, Katie Noonan was supposed to appear on the jungle jim, and throw herself about dramatically wearing a beige unitard.

Tragically for all involved, Katie chose to wear an ill fitting floral underpant under her opaque unitard, and our VERY serious dance piece soon went horribly wrong.

Years later when the tapping cowpokes first hit the stage the unintentional flashing of an underpant was guaranteed at almost every performance. The safety pant was so revered that we took to singing "wear your safety pants, safety pants" to the tune of the safety dance, a 1980's hit by men without hats.

Now we come to the end of the tapping year, and I can virtually guarantee that those tappers not wearing rhinestone encrusted g-strings for authenticity, were wearing a safety pant during the entire run of the tapping trailer trash tour.

My work here is done.

One note: be sure to remove the safety pant and replace with something by Collette Dinnigan before attending any post show parties involving champagne and hotties. trust me on this.

buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks

2005-12-09T16:45:00.000+11:00

352 days to go

2005-12-09T16:31:00.000+11:00

Today I ate my first pop tart.

A pop tart seems to be two delicious slices of cardboard with a scraping of sugary jam in the middle. mmmm delicious! they're all the go here in the trailer park.
This pop tart was a gift, so it was sutably pink - to be precise it was a cherry frosted pop tart! The name by itself wreaks of good health and a low calorie factor.
In fact, if only I'd had a can of Tab to drink with it, I believe i would have all the vitamins and minerals the human body requires for at least a week!

Yesterday I tried another trailer trash treat - crackerjacks. They made me sing "take me out to the ballgame" all day long. I was very excited to get my "prize", as the prize in a box of crackerjacks is the stuff of legends! My prize? A piece of paper ( a small one at that)with a picture of a fisherman on it, and when you folded it in half, it turned into a picture of a fish - HOURS of non stop entertainment - get the kids off their nintendos and ipods and into a box of crackerjacks I say. Those prizes will definately keep them off the streets and away from drugs.

I love a drunk santa

2005-12-08T13:48:00.000+11:00

353 days to go

2005-12-08T12:22:00.000+11:00

Bring on the Christmas Parties!

Although i have not been to one involving karaoke, fairy floss, and people dressed as pineapples since our own Christmas extravaganza, I did go to a lovely "film industry" party last night involving a gross of Ikea votive candles, a slab of champagne, a gaggle of celebrities, a plethora of 1950's movie stars being projected on to the walls, a duo of hilarious DJ's and a single sausage in bread. If only there had been a drunk santa it would have had all the essential elements of a top night out!

Tragically I had to depart in the wee hours (as opposed to the wee wee hours)to keep myself nice for the ensuing early morning cowpoke rehearsal.

What a shame the can't same be said for certain other cowpokes seen leading the conga line at four am, and then at rehearsal complete with dark glasses, a litre of water, and jiffies a mere five hours later.

I love a snowdome, especially by Franklin Mint

2005-12-07T10:16:00.000+11:00

354 days to go

2005-12-07T09:52:00.000+11:00

Free tickets are worth exactly what they cost - except for when you get a free programme as well as still feel a little bit ripped off.

The lovely Mr Glynn Nicolas often does a spot of rehearsing in our glamorous St Kilda studio. He is lovely, he can tap dance, and he always leaves a bottle of champagne behind. Love him. Love him all day.

My love of the Glynnster was only multiplied when he chose a snowdome as the artwork for his Christmas spectacular "Oh Come All Ye Stressful". My love of the snowdome is internationally recognised, and my Radio City Music Hall snowdome, complete with mini rockettes is one of my most prized possesions.

But I digress.

It's always a happy day when a free ticket comes your way, so I grabbed my "Oh come all ye stressful" ticket with both hands, popped on my Stuart Weitzman pumps and teeterd off to The Palms at Crown Casino.

May I just say The Palms is THE glamour cabaret spot in Melbourne (since Capers Theatre restaurant closed down)My first experience of it was seeing "Leader of the Pack", starring our own Miss Rachel, and my love has not diminished. It's EXACTLY like a Vegas showroom, so what's not to love. And it's NEW, so the seats have no cigarette burns and the carpet isn't even sticky.Your champagne comes in a glamorous ice bucket (someone steal me one of those please),the banquettes wreak of old Hollywood glamour, and there are even Morrocan style cushions you can wedge beside you if you get stuck sitting next to a smelly stranger.

But I digress.

The best thing about "Oh Come All Ye Stressful" is that our own Mr Greg plays drums in the santa showband. happy days. The second best thing is that it stars the Kransky Sisters who i LERV. The third best thing is ..... The third best thing is .... The third best thing is ....

Did I mention the ice buckets?

and if you can't read ...... SING!!

2005-12-05T14:18:00.000+11:00

355 days to go

2005-12-05T12:01:00.000+11:00

Miss Jane's holiday reading list....

1. The back of my safeways dockets so i can get 10 % off my next entree at the lobster cave in Glen Waverly

2. Any book by David Sedaris, but the Santaland Diaries is essential reading at Christmas time

3. ALL the Eloise books by Kay Thompson, but especially "Eloise at Christmas time"

4. Anything (I mean EVERYTHING) by Jacquelline Sussan - essential airport reading

5. Our own Miss Annabel's just published debut novel "A new map of the Universe". Visit her at www.annabelsmith.com

6. Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels (my guilty pleasure)

7. Anything published by Lonely Planet (excellent for back yard day dreaming)

8. Any crappy showbiz biography or autobiography, especially involving glamorous stars of the 1950's, Sammy davis Jnr, Marilyn, or Elvis.

9. Mao's last dancer (thanks miss dot)

10. Anything from Oprah's book club

cleaning the trailer park is not my forte

2005-12-04T14:29:00.000+11:00

356 days to go

2005-12-04T14:11:00.000+11:00

You know phase one of moving house when you start to pack boxes with all your gorgeous things wrapped in acid free tissue and each box topped with a lavendar bag, and then clearly dymo labelled?

And phase two where you panic you won't know where anything is, so you pack a first night survival kit, usually involving a screwdriver, a torch, some toilet paper and a bottle of champagne.

In phase three the furniture starts going, and you are just left with piles of miscellaneous crap in every room, that could be a stack of old "Who" weeklies, but also might be your tax returns from the last eight years so you can't just chuck it all?

Well, our once glamorous St Kilda studio is reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally looking like an extreme phase three.

I think the rot set in when we lost the lids to the eleven bottles of sauce we had at the Christmas party so we ( ok, I ) just left them on a tray in the middle of the floor until they calcified. (i believe that's what Martha Stewart would have done)

Of course we also have the dismantled klassy lady AND a large NASA space rocket crammed in there awaiting transportation to our beautiful Richmond studio.

Not to mention the HOURS of Joan Crawford like coathanger addiction that is required to hang up all those cast off costumes.

And quite frankly a little febreeze would go a long way in there too!

I wonder if it can wait until january....

I'm going to graceland, graceland, memphis, tennesee

2005-12-01T16:37:00.000+11:00

357 days to go

2005-12-01T16:30:00.000+11:00

More vacation thoughts - I am now mapping out the seven kitsch wonders of the world to see if I can squeeze them into one trip - I'm sure I can do it!

1. graceland - memphis, tennesee
2. tail'o'the pup hotdog stand in the shape of a giant hotdog - los angeles
3. siegfried and half of roy - las vegas
4. texas cheerleading moms - houston
5. beach blanket babylon - sanfransisco
6. hong kong disneyland - hong kong
7. the big pineaple - queensland

hmmm - looks like the big pineapple misses out - but everything else on that list - here I come!

best. present. ever.

2005-12-01T14:00:00.000+11:00

358 days to go

2005-12-01T13:44:00.000+11:00

BEST CHRISTMAS PARTY EVER!
man, I am feeling the love.

LOVE Slim for karaoke excellence.
LOVE Mr warren and Miss wendy for bringing the barbecue
LOVE the glamour kittens for bringing so much for our St Vinnies Christmas hampster
LOVE mother nature for refusing to rain
LOVE Miss Margot for bringing the pineapples
LOVE all the hula costumes
LOVE the glamour kitten of the year Miss Pat
LOVE the starlette of the year Mr Tony
LOVE the giant lollipop the shirley temples gave me
LOVE the pinata of glamour
LOVE all the champagne!
LOVE everything about those crazy sunnyboy showbags
LOVE Miss Kirtsten's poem
LOVE Miss Mabelline's show tunes
LOVE Miss Pam's gorgeous dance (and flashing of her undies)
LOVE Mr Grant singing Rawhide
LOVE all the golden glammies recipients
LOVE the klassy lady
LOVE Miss Louella's pineapple cocktail glass
LOVE the human pineapples
LOVE the K-tel v-slicer
LOVE that i forgot to turn on the fairy floss machine (I have 2 kgs of pink sugar here if anyone needs to borrow a cup)
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY UNDENIABLY LOVE the most gorgeous present I have ever received - I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know much, but I know I love you! (and that may be all I need to know)

Mr Tony and some of my other beautiful boys.

2005-11-30T21:34:00.000+11:00

359 days to go

2005-11-30T21:14:00.000+11:00

Mr Tony, legendary tapper and starlette of the year nominee has posted some trailer trash pics at http://glamourgangsta.photosite.com.

Don't forget to scroll down under the pictures to see his saucy remarks!

Of course tonight is the night before the glamour puss karaoke luau and academy awards, the golden glammies.It's a night of tension and excitement. I'm expecting Leeza Gibbons or Mary Hart to contact me for the inside scoop any time now. Who will be named jerry Lewis zany and whacky tapper? Who will be the glamour kitten of the year?

The tap dancing world sits poised on one toe ( or leaning on some dirty old bar in the back of Prahran) awaiting the announcements.

Lavish gift bags are said to include chocolate santas and a fried sausage.

I'm off to see Queenie Wahini, my Luau stylist to make that last minute fashion choice - will it be the grass skirt from Hilo Hatties, or the muu muu from rock-a-hula babies that I'll sport on the astro turf of glamour tomorrow night. Perhaps i should wait outside the studio Cher style in the klassy lady, watching everyone else arrive before deciding to put on my bob mackie coconut bra, or my vera wang bridal sarong.

Tune in tomorrow for all the luau action!

The pinata of glamour

2005-11-30T13:45:00.000+11:00

360 days to go

2005-11-30T13:26:00.000+11:00

I'm blogerati!

just when i thought I was just crapping on to myself daily, six things guru and guest choreographer extraordinaire Mr Peter puts a counter at this here trailer park and I discover you ARE out there - you crazy lurkers!

But in the words of witchy poo from HR Puf'n'stuff, "oranges, poranges, who cares", because I have now met the delightful Mr Will, cousin of famous Glamour Puss Showgirl Miss Cathy (loved the world over for her pinata in the shape of a 1970's platform shoe) and he has proclaimed me BLOGERATI!!!!!

You can visit Mr Will at http://filmica.blogspot.com. He appears to be in New York at this very moment (tapping trailer trash tour one day - broadway the next) and has just been to see the great american trailer park musical! I am pea green with envy. I can only hope he picked up a discarded playbill to send home to his dear friend Miss Jane.

I love this crazy town!

2005-11-30T13:22:00.000+11:00

361 days to go

2005-11-30T12:51:00.000+11:00

ten reasons to consider whipping over to Vegas for a holiday.

1. The Wayne Newton Christmas show

2. 5 cent shrimp cocktails

3. Avenue Q is playing at the new Wynn casino

4. serge's Showgirl wigs is having a sale on the dolly parton range

5. Barry manilow at the Las Vegas Hilton

6. Big Bad Voodoo daddy are performing on New Year's Eve

7. the Liberace Museum

8. The new cique show features showgirls swimming in a giant martini glass

9. Austin Powers slot machines

10. Max Alexander

Love those umbrellas!

2005-11-29T12:01:00.000+11:00

362 days to go

2005-11-29T11:39:00.000+11:00

Today is the day i thank our mistresse's o'glamour for all their gorgeous work with a glamorous dinner, and champagne soaked viewing of the rough cut of the show footage before Slim B DeMille whisks it away for editing.

Our menu includes a mediterranean antipasto, baked chicken with a felafel crust accompanied by yoghurt, pilaf and an asparagus salad, and frozen plum pudding.deeeeee-licious! AND so sophisticato!

Look at me, I'm wearings heels! .... and fishnets! ... And Chanel No# 5!

I love these gals (and boy) to bits - they put the G in Glamour Puss Studios, (and the T & A in tap) and added so much to the trailer trash tour with those "new york new york" cameras, "sunday in new york" umbrellas, and "california girls" mexican wave.

Next year we're adding two new mistresses'o'glamour (well, one mistress and one master actually) to our bevy of stars. ooh la la.

Viva la Glamour Puss Studios!

Miss Margot, Miss jane and Miss marilyn in our glamorous dressing room (lip prints from a previous tennant)

2005-11-29T11:32:00.000+11:00

363 days to go

2005-11-28T16:28:00.000+11:00

Officially 363 days to go - today we received our theatre booking for 2006 - yikes - here we go again!

Good news from the National Theatre is they are building more dressing rooms in time for our 2006 season - yipeee!! There is a very LOW glamour factor in sitting in the orchestra pit for an hour in your undies, or having to hang your costumes in the shower because there's no more hanging space (although I did notate Miss Beris had a nice little private dressing room going in that shower at one point!)

We now have so many gorgeous boys in our entourage that they simply won't squeeze into that principal's dressing room any more - but no matter how glamorous those dressing rooms get, I'll always call the fire escape (just next to the mops) home!

pass my fluffy slippers vont you darlink

2005-11-25T17:22:00.000+11:00

364 days to go

2005-11-25T11:16:00.000+11:00

Mr Grant surely knows how to treat his woman right.
We have escaped to the BIG CITY where all the fancy folk get around in horseless carriages and eat noodles from a box - what exotic and strange land is this!?

It seems there is life beyond the footlights - who knew!

After a slooooooooooooooow Sunday returning props and cloths and ladders and mirror balls to their rightful spots, I have celebrated my birthday in style by checking into the Crown Towers, closing all the blinds and turning off all the phones - what LUXURY!

AND - get this - you can watch Tv from the spa! have I died and gone to wheel of fortune heaven!?

My gift to myself was a pink robe with marabou trim, and matching pink high heeled slippers trimmed in marabou,from Fredericks of Hollywood, so I could be found clacking around the room Zsa Zsa Gabor style, sipping champagne, and nibbling on $22.00 cashews one minute, or playing relentlessly with the Tv clicker the next - it was like a mini Disneyland!

At midnight we ordered a pavlova from room service - BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

mirror ball roadkill

2005-11-24T20:12:00.000+11:00

365 days to go

2005-11-24T18:14:00.000+11:00

ten hilarious costume malfunctions that make us glad the whole thing is over ....

1. Miss sarah's fake knockers sliding from under her dress and having to be thrown into the wings mid dance.

2. Miss Jodies space backpack snapping and threatening to fall off mid dance

3. Miss Hannah throwing a shoe and having to dance tapless (better than having to dance topless)

4. Miss Jane's finale headress slipping precariously and threatening to take her polysester hair with it.

5. so many many many droopy boots.

6. Miss helen's toilet paper tucked into her undies (what ... she did it on purpose ??? ... I can't believe it!)

7. The drama of the MISSING LOLLIPOP.

8. those temperamental umbrellas

9. Mr John's stunt bottom causing matinee audiences to fit or go blind.

10. Slim and cheeky only wearing half their costumes on stage - oh, they meant it!? - those saucy old things!

Miss Pam celebrates 50 years in her tap shoes

2005-11-24T14:34:00.000+11:00

Matinee and Evening Show

2005-11-24T12:37:00.000+11:00

Ten happy memories - in no particular order.....

1. Miss Pam taking a special bow to mark her 50 years in the tap shoes.

2. Miss Mabelline belting out her showstopper.

3. Miss Wendy and Miss Marcia high fiving each other in the TV medley.

4. Auditorium glamour - patrons in feather boas, Ushers clapping along to the finale,programme sellers in glamorous costumes, and Miss caz, Mr warren, and Miss wendy's most excellent trailer set.

5. Everything Miss jeantie even glanced at, and the extra beautiful work of the tappings shirley temples and mini me's.

6. Mr Will in his chicken suit

7. Everything about the picnic in between shows (especially Miss Dot's cakes!)

8. Having Happy Birthday sung to me as the champagne flowed in the foyer after the show.

9. MR GRANT'S SWING DANCING DEBUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10.Being the I in TEAM.

Opening Night or Mardi Gras??

2005-11-23T17:09:00.000+11:00

Opening Night!

2005-11-23T16:41:00.000+11:00

My head is a blur of showgirls, shoes, and champagne.

We started quietly, calmly hanging costumes, lining up wigs, sticking up running orders, allocating dressing rooms and even taking a break for a little bit of sushi! (actually eating on opening night - that's a first!)

Beautiful flowers arrived from Mr david - early bird showgirls started arriving at the theatre.

Our downstairs dressing room, the National's ballet studios, had been double booked but it was luckily sorted out before the 200 showgirls dressing down there had all arrived.Ballet ladies are scary by the way.

Mr Desley arrived and headed to the box office - all our lovely volunteers were put to work.

Pretty soon it was time for our big warmup to the school anthem, ABBA's dancing Queen. I LOVE the warm-up and always get a bit teary around warmup time. Its almost like accidentally taking half an E when you thought it was your mums sugarine, or finding yourself in the third degree of drunkenness when you just randomly start telling people how much you love them.

Then everyone scuttles back to the dressing room for last minute eyelash glueing, and an uneasy calm hits the stage area (my "dresing room" is, in fact, the emergency fire exit next to the stage with a lightbulb installed - ooh, showbiz glamour)

The doors open and punters file in - all 800 of them - yikes!

Before you know it we get the signal, the curtain comes up and we're into it - before you know it again, we're all in our chicken suits and the curtain is coming down to thunderous applause - before you know it again you're in the bar sipping champagne and hearing how fabulous you were - before you know it again you're tucked up in bed with a smile on your face that just won't fade, and the happy knowledge that you're going to do it all again tomorrow.

Another opening - Another Show - I really do have the best job in the world.

Love those chicken buckets!

2005-11-23T16:38:00.000+11:00

One day to go

2005-11-23T16:24:00.000+11:00

That was, without a doubt,the smoothest, most professional, quickest, and most glamorous theatre dress rehearsal of all time - Now I can't WAIT until the big show tomorrow night.

Showgirls and psychiatrists the world over have grilled me incessantly about why the finale is a tapping tribute to kentucky fried chicken - surely you just have to see those dancing chips to know why! Complete happy days.

Highlights include Mr Will in his chicken suit, the scooby doo showgirls in their chicken bucket cocktail hats, the secret herbs and spices, the colonel Sanders face masks and for no clear reason at all, a chorus line of mini mouses (are they called mini mice?)

You can tell you have a good show when the jaded old techs get into it - they love it, and are going waaaaay beyond the call of duty with their glamorous lighting design.

The costumes are pressed - the wigs are brushed - the tap shoes are polished.

One sleep to go - I feel sick!

glamour puss box office - mr french speaking

2005-11-22T14:17:00.000+11:00

Two days to go

2005-11-22T13:49:00.000+11:00

The phones are ringing HOT with all of Melbourne's tap afficianados keen not to miss out on the highlight of the tap dancers year - US!

Oh how I dream of adding $7.00 to the price of the tickets and handing it all over to ticketek, but alas, in the interests of reasonably priced show tickets we process almost 2500 tickets ourselves in our little ticketing sweatshop formerly known as my dining room - now an unrecognisable sea of credit card slips and calculators.(you know i can only count to eight without the aid of an abacus or a minion)

As we reach each sales goal we can afford to add something else to the show - a mirror ball or glamorous backdrop here - a smoke machine or cordless microphone there.

Three full houses, and I'll be flying into the show sitting on an illuminated crescent moon, as tinsel canons and pyrotechnics go off!

So Call me punters - call me now!

get hip to that timely trip

2005-11-21T11:46:00.000+11:00

Three days to go

2005-11-21T11:19:00.000+11:00

My last night of teaching at Richmond for this year - double boo hoo hoo.

Man, it was CHAOS in there tonight with classes running in both studios, our tapping TV's having a sheltered workshop for the hot glue gun challenged, Slim dropping in to serenade his Route 66 Lolitas, and seven hundred props having to be packed for travel before we left. Phewee.

Was it really me who instigated the "more is more" rule? What was i thinking?

mrs johnson, you're wearing your dresses way too high

2005-11-21T11:17:00.000+11:00

Four days to go

2005-11-21T10:36:00.000+11:00

Today marks the start of my last week of teaching for 2005 - boo hoo hoo.

We're really ready to just do the show now. We're loving ourselves sick after that fabulous dress rehearsal and only have a few wardrobe malfunctions, some tricky exits and entrances, and a couple of grey areas to iron out!

The My Sharonas have captured the essence of the entire show with their psychadelic trailer camp tramp mini skirts and Barbara Eden hairdos, and I can't wait to see 73 year old Miss Pam as the teenage daughter in harper valley PTA - what a superstar!

Floral undies just won't do

2005-11-21T10:34:00.000+11:00

five days to go

2005-11-21T10:25:00.000+11:00

My show undies have arrived!

Every showgirl knows that a pair of pilled floral undies that have been through the dryer one too many times simply won't do for a glamorous extravaganza such as ours. And with that klassy trailer trash theme you can be fairly sure that the undies will be flashed once or twice, whether by design or by accident, before the season is through.

I like to order my undies from Fredericks of Hollywood. Ooh la la! You can order your fishnets from there too - just go to www.fredericks.com and close your eyes when you convert the American dollars back into Australian (ouch!)

Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Ethel Merman has had her knockers reigned in by Fredericks, so why should I be the exception! Next time you're in LA you simply MUST visit their bra museum - of course ANY museum informing you of Divine's bra size is educational, but there's also nothing like sifting through the undies of the rich of famous!

I love a big finale

2005-11-18T13:16:00.000+11:00

six days to go

2005-11-18T13:07:00.000+11:00

Richmond was awash with sequins and KFC buckets today as we ran through our first big dress rehearsal - phewee - 300 showgirls (and boys), 600 tap shoes, 1000 costumes. It's a big freakin' show.
Squeezing everyone into studio two for the finale was like squeezing six sumo wrestlers into a mini minor (I know, because I'm often found squeezing sumo wrestlers into mini minors)
Absolute beginners were like deers in the headlights as more experienced showgirls wrestled their way to their entrance, leaving feathers and showgirl roadkill in their wake.
Naturally the finale is a finely tuned exercise in precision with 10 new dancers enetering the stage area every ten seconds until 300 stars are on stage, each with a KFC bucket, rubber chicken, or refresher towelette.
Best show ever.
Complete happy days.

there are swingers in the trailer park

2005-11-18T12:54:00.000+11:00

7 days to go

2005-11-17T16:31:00.000+11:00

The swingers are in!!I thought they might all be busy throwing their car keys in a bowl, or teetering around the sunken conversation pit with a brandy ballon of cognac, wearing their maribou high heels and baby doll lingerie, but NO! The glamour puss swingers will be strutting their stuff in the tapping trailer trash tour.

Even Mr Grant will be doing a dance - ooh, exciting!

Tricky aerial manouvres here we come - ever so exciting!

Geniuses at work

2005-11-17T13:06:00.000+11:00

eight days to go

2005-11-17T12:57:00.000+11:00

The programmes have arrived - hooray! Miss Kerrie has done an amazing job, and we have managed to incorporate some hilarious trailer trash pictures that everyone from Miss caz to Miss mary-ana have provided me with, and we even have a glamorous portrait of colonel sanders in there. There's nothing it hasn't got!

Our Miss Trailer Trash beauty queen sash tee shirts are now being seen on all of Melbourne's fashionistas, but I think my favourite tee model so far has been Mr Slim.

Most importantly though, the brilliant design team of Miss Cazz, Mr Warren, and Miss Wendy have finished the Klassy lady trailer set. I havent been allowed to see the final product, but I believe it has its own awning, and FAIRY LIGHTS! I'm wetting my pants as we speak!

give me back my spoons

2005-11-17T12:52:00.000+11:00

9 days to go

2005-11-17T12:35:00.000+11:00

Last night the mini me's were doing their black and white minstrel show impersonation, tap dancing and playing the spoons, when a local resident popped in unnanounced with a visiting tourist from Prague, and started taking photos of themselves in the studio, and with the kids dancing in the background. How bizarre!

Then, when the kids took a break, they STOLE one of the spoons as a souvenir and ran away! I had to chase them down the street in my taps shoes to retrieve it!

Random freaks often like to drop in to the studio. One idiot savant comes in occasionally and tells me how much he loved me in the 1955 movie Calamity Jane, and then reels off my other movie credits such as "Pillow talk" and "Please don't eat the daisies". HELLO. I'm Not Doris Day! (I only wish I was)

Once a man walked into the studio with a bucket of sand and said "how much is the sand"? $2.00 I said, and then he left.

On Monday a dirty rotten scoundrel handed me ten credit cards and said "can you look after these?" and ran away. The lovely Miss Danielle dropped them off at the police station on her way home from class and was grilled about the identity of the aforementioned scoundrel at length!

Oh what a den of iniquity we have at Glamour Puss Studios - and you thought it was all about the tap dancing!

missjane, I've rinsed your smalls.

2005-11-16T11:52:00.000+11:00

ten days to go

2005-11-16T11:20:00.000+11:00

with ten days to go, here are ten things that happen in stage shows in the movies that have never happened to me.

1. dressing room full of flowers and large floral horse shoes being delivered by the minute

2. Montage of various newspapers twirling in a circle with rave reviews on the front cover two minutes after the show finishes

3. A standing ovation involving flowers being tossed on to the stage

4. Thelma Ritter washing my undies backstage making wise cracks as she goes

5.Several leggy showgirls dressed as dutch milkmaids loitering backstage who are never actually seen on stage.

6. Gene kelly desperately searching me out telling that Miss Vera Lamont can't go on, and I'm the only one who knows the dances and can take her place.

7. Stage door johnnies loitering in the lane waiting to shower me with diamonds

8.Diners stand and applaud as i enter the galleon for a hamburger straight after the show.

9. Someone from the Morris Agency is waiting backstage with a fat contract as soon as I step off stge

10. Fred Astaire plucks me from the audience and even though I've never seen the dance before, am a little shy, and stumble for the first two bars, after that I seem to know it perefctly, complete with blocking and aerial manouvres.

karaoke luau here we come

2005-11-16T11:11:00.000+11:00

11 days to go

2005-11-16T10:54:00.000+11:00

In a moment of sheer determination I have, today, thought of something other than the show for more than 30 seconds.
It is easy to put off the dentist or your yearly underpants areas checkup and use the show as an excuse, but I'm afraid the Glamour Puss Studios Christmas Party simply must be put on high alert.
Jumping castle or no jumping castle -to fairy floss or to BBQ - should karaoke be involved - these are all taxing questions which can no longer be delayed.
Luckily my life long love affair with the coconut bra has come to my aid, and the Luau motif has been set.
Of course I have the happiest of memories of our jumping castle parties - the image of sitting on Mr Peter's face and snapping his glasses in half, and of Miss nadia in the inflatable boxing ring toppling out of it backwards under the weight of those giant gloves go into the good times department, but then again, watching Miss mabelline belt out Proud mary, or Mr Eric and Mr Slim re-living an Elton John and Kiki Dee duet on the karaoke is also hard to beat.
So the karaoke is a definite, and if we sell enough show tickets we might be able to have a BBq AND some fairy floss!

Is that kosher?

2005-11-16T10:51:00.000+11:00

12 days to go

2005-11-16T10:44:00.000+11:00

Our PR gurus Miss Katrina and Miss Michelle are in full swing, delivering KFC buckets full of spam and press releases across the land. Showgirl Miss Debby is championing the cause by arranging a high profile photo story in the Jewish News. Naturally they would like to highlight Jewish Glamour Kittens, but I am having trouble thinking of who they might be! If only I'd added that religion question to the enrolment form.
Luckily Miss Debby seems to have her finger on the pulse of the underground Jewish Glamour Kitten community, and has rounded up a bevy of gals for the pic. I only hope I have someone as resourceful on hand when the Catholic Times come knocking!

Beware the evil internet twin

2005-11-16T10:43:00.000+11:00

13 days to go

2005-11-16T09:49:00.000+11:00

Our entire 300 showgirls (and boys) seem to be in a costume frenzy. Now is the time we all give praise at the alter of the hot glue gun in the chapel of the safety pin.

Some classes such as the "shave'n'style kens" are blessed with a costume guru like Miss Robin, whom they adore, and who whips up fabulous designs for the entire class that they all always love. Her can-can dresses were the talk of the school last year, and her 2005 1950's diner collection is totally superb!

Not all classes are this lucky of course and politics, usually accompanied by a torrent of e-mail can ensue. The glamour kittens have lovely showgirl manners which can cause them not to speak their mind in group discussions, but like Samantha's evil brunette twin on Bewitched, the sparks can fly when it comes to the information superhighway.

At the end of the day, however, we are all aiming for the same goal, and by dress rehearsal day the argument over whether the silver disco sequins should be adhered to a black background or a white background are all but forgotten.

As a veteran of several leotarded, tight bunned dance academys I can say that the costume confrontations at Glamour Puss Studios are quite insignificant and few and far between, and almost always end in a laugh and a glass of champagne. I have seen some doozies at other un-named dance schools in my time, usually involving a size six teacher giving a size sixteen showgirl a pair of latex hot pants and a midriff halter top to wear in the show.

Here at Glamour Puss studios we have No black eyes yet, just a few temporary thin lips.

No floral undies if you have to bend over in a mini skirt

2005-11-10T13:12:00.000+11:00

14 days to go

2005-11-10T12:58:00.000+11:00

What I love about St Kilda is that you could have a shag in the street, walk around with no pants on, or talk loudly to your imaginary friend whilst squeezing a grapefruit in safeway, and no one would blink an eye.
Yesterday half a dozen trailer trash showgirls had their photo taken for a story that's going into the local paper.
The photo was hilarious, with us all piled into Mr Grants Mustang convertible, kneeling on the back seat facing the back and draping across the back of the car porn style. Cleavage for days. Sequinned mini skirts and top hats. No complaints.
The photographer kept urging us all to lean further out of the car towards the back. I can only imagine the view from the front of the car as all six sequinned skirts were hitched almost to our waists, and our arses were hanging out for the world to see. Oh, and the location was one of st Kildas busiest streets.
Did anyone toot their horns as they drove past? Nope. Did anyone make a remark as they walked by? Nope.I shouldn't be surprised. The large man wearing a pink knitted skirt and playing the ukelele down the road could have been invisible as well. aaah, st kilda!

A grey blob to you - a vintage airstream trailer to me

2005-11-09T11:47:00.000+11:00

15 days to go

2005-11-08T13:33:00.000+11:00

Action Stations!
My persoanl attache Miss Eunice is tearing the hair from her tightly wound bun, there is so much going on this week!
Our channel 31 ad hits the airwaves today! (thanks miss margot)
The show programme has gone to the printer (thanks Miss kerrie) The show tee shirts have arrived (thanks miss kerrie again) Glamour Puss glamour false eyelashes are selling like hot cakes (have i thanked miss kerrie yet), the running order is confirmed (phew), the first dress rehearsal is this saturday (yikes). We have a photo shoot for the Port Phillip Leader tomorrow (exciting - thanks Miss katrina and Miss Michelle) and we don't have that many tickets left to sell (double exciting - thankyou tap dancing fans across the nation)
Our press kits go out tomorrow - they will be delivered in kentucky fried chicken buckets and contain spam, microwave popcorn and beef jerky along with our sexy press release - totally superb.
All that AND Miss cazz, Miss wendy and Mr warren have nearly finished our glamorous trailer park set - now if I could only find my tyre swan I would be in trailer trash heaven! Pass the valium Eunice.

trailer trash trailer pash - and now she wears leotards!

2005-11-06T12:39:00.000+11:00

16 days to go

2005-11-06T12:14:00.000+11:00

A little over two weeks until the curtain goes up on our most extravagant tap dancing extravaganza ever, and like clockwork, I have a horrid flu and have lost my voice! Clearly I've yelled 5,6,7,8 over the clacking of 40 tap shoes just one too many times! I've resorted to a set of finger cymbals to gain attention in class, and am thinking of taking up every dancers nightmare - the STICK. The STICK, a particular favourite with dance teachers everywhere can not only be used to drum out a beat, but can quickly whack the backs of legs before anyone much has noticed, can reach and slap hands that are not in formation, and if you add a string of pearls, and a top hat, can go from daywear to the stage with very little effort.

Actually,i believe the STICK alone can be attributed to the demise of many childhood dancers - that and the leotard, which will be going to its own special hell - that reserved for the fashions of Vanilla Ice and Rose Porteous.

By the way, is madonna bringing back the leotard in her newest filmclip?? Please kill me now.

Chita Rivera hits Broadway - Glamour Kittens hit St Kilda

2005-11-03T11:12:00.000+11:00

17 days to go

2005-11-03T10:20:00.000+11:00

Inspiration du jour: My internet boyfriend, Gorgeous George, who lives in glamorous Hollywood (of course), went to see Miss Chita Rivera in her last out of town performance of "A Dancer's Life" before it hits Broadway.
Besides having the best showgirl name ever, Miss Chita was in the original West Side Story, and her showgirl pins and sassy moves have been on our minds as we Glamour Kittens hammer out our own routine to "I Want To Live in America" for the Tapping Trailer Trash Tour.
"Chita is a goddess" I dictated to my personal secreatry Miss Eunice, who quickly passed on the message to George via cyberspace. What's not to love about her in "Sweet Charity", and then in "Chicago" 40 years later?
Now get this - not only did George hobnob with several showbiz personalities, including George Chakiris and Tony Mordente from the original West Side Story, but he actually met up with Miss Chita after the show, and TOLD HER ALL ABOUT THE TAPPING GLAMOUR KITTENS AND THE TAPPING TRAILER TRASH TOUR!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, we are internationally known to Gypsy royalty! "Miss Jane told Miss Eunice to tell me to tell you that you are a GODDESS" said George to Miss Chita.
"No, no, SHE is the goddess" said Miss Chita, and signed an autograph to me saying as much! (pinch me now)
Miss Chita's show ends with a ritzy rendition of "All That Jazz", and as anyone who has had too many martinis with me knows, after the seventh one I can always be found recreating Fosse choreography either on top of, or under, the table (see six things entry for October 29).

Chita and me .... best friends!

Elvis had his Colonel, and I have mine.

2005-11-02T11:27:00.000+11:00

18 days to go

2005-11-02T11:12:00.000+11:00

In the words of Marilyn Monroe (in "Theres No Business Like ShowBusines, Twentieth Century Fox, 1954), "We're havin' a heatwave, a tropical heatwave". Last night at our gorgeous yet steamy richmond studio we had major tap intensive. It may have been 30 degrees outside, but I'm sure it was about 45 inside!

The Melbourne Cup may be the race that stops the nation, but it can't stop 50 anxious showgirls, who all put in 110% over four hot but productive hours. Our last two production numbers are now in show mode, and the only casualties are one pulled groin, one broken tap shoe, and the stereo blew up!

In other news, my latest purchase, a vintage copy of "Disneyland's Elegant Book Of Manners" provides many eye popping tips for the trailer trash amongst us (and all rhyming!)- todays advice -

When you handle food, some of it lingers,
But you must never lick it from your fingers.
We say it now, as we said before,
"that's what the napkin's invented for."

The napkin is to clean yourself,
As you will soon perceive.
You can use it to wipe your face and mouth,
Instead of using your sleeve.

I don't think the colonel would have invented the term "finger lickin' good" if that were true Mr Disney!
- and everyone knows the sleeve is for wiping your nose!

All hail the Sweet Sherries

2005-11-01T12:47:00.000+11:00

19 days to go

2005-11-01T12:31:00.000+11:00

The gorgeous Mr Nigel dropped in to the studio the other day. Mr Nigel was in the first ever class when Glamour Puss Studios opened in the year 213 BC. He reminded me that his class had been called the tapping shilalees - happy days - happy memories (I remember they did a gorgeous tap dance to Sister Janet Meade's big hit "The Lords Prayer")

Giving each troupe its own showbiz moniker has been one of the funnest part of my gruelling career as tap dancing head mistress to the stars.

All St Kilda classes start with the letter "S" - the sizzling swizzlesticks, the shoe biz shoe gals, the shave'n'style kens etc etc etc

All Richmond classes start with the letter "R" - the retro exoticas, the Rosie the Robots and the Ravishing Roulettes.

Long time classes such as the Sweet Sherries, the My Sharonas, and the Reg Grundys are now know to our audiences, and you can hear a murmur of anticipation whenever they're about to hit the stage (this particularly applies to the sweet sherries who seem to have a world wide fan club!)

As we head towards our big extravaganza, we welcome aboard our newest tappers - The Root'n'Tooters at Richmond on Thursday nights, and the Swanky Pankys at St Kilda on Tuesday nights.

Cherish your stage names, and hopefully get into it as much as the spicy shishkabobs, who have their own class logo - a chorus line of showgirls pierced together with a big skewer!

Only 11 more hours of this before I can go home!

2005-10-31T12:16:00.000+11:00

20 days to go

2005-10-31T11:56:00.000+11:00

After double booking a glamour kitten or two for private lessons (sorry Miss Leanne) i have decided to discard the backs of envelopes and use a DIARY.

What a fabulous invention! It makes you look official (well, not mine, because it is hot pink with poodles on it), and tells you where to go! (in the nicest possible way) On Saturday I took six lessons in a row (ow, my aching feet) without a hitch! ooh la la! No thin lipped glamour kittens turning up unexpectedly, and all lessons planned and ready to go - yay! I am also LOVING my Saturdays, for as much as I want to throw my bleeding toothpicks into a kambrook foot spa and down a few belts of tequila, you can't help but feel the love when you are showered with coffees and tim tams by thoughtful glamour kittens.

A much nicer lifestyle than Ann Miller or Ginger Rogers who told tales of dancing for TWELVE hours in a row on rehearsal days - yikes, that's a LOT of shuffling off to Buffalo and I bet there wasn't a tim tam in sight!

Santa gives Sybil the lazy eye

2005-10-31T11:47:00.000+11:00

21 days to go

2005-10-31T11:38:00.000+11:00

It's starting to feel like the year is winding up - all the beautiful songs are finished (phew!), except for that pesky "french kissin' in the USA", which we will knock off with a marathon reherasal tomorrow night - who knew choreographing feet and baguettes would be so tricky! Now is my favourite time - polishing, and adding glamour for the big extravaganza!

My personal secretary and waxologist Miss Eunice has been re-hired after a nasty sticky underpants incident of which we shall not speak. She has been hammering away at her remington portable, getting out the last glamour kitten gazette for the year, designing the invitation for our Christmas karaoke luau, and ordering our Christmas cards.

Finding an image for our Christmas cards has lead me to the best blog ever, called http://santaandme.blogspot.com Please visit if you have time - hours of entertainment!

It's no tyre swan but its almost as stylish

2005-10-30T16:13:00.000+11:00

22 days to go

2005-10-30T16:06:00.000+11:00

oooh, Miss Tracey has just reminded me about the glamorous tyre swan planter we are desperately looking for to dress our trailer trash set.
Please comment if you can solve the mystery of how to make a swan tyre. It is basically a tyre, somehow turned inside out, whittled into the shape of a swan, spray painted white, with geraniums planted in the hole. VERY tasteful and stylish as well. I know Paul Bangay uses them extensively in his designer gardens. Looks good next to a letterbox in the shape of an aborigine standing one one leg with a spear in one hand and a lap lap covering the treasury gardens.

Miss Wendy, who happily works in the tyre factory, believes that many of her employees may, in fact, be tyre swan artisans, but I am yet to see the evidence. They did come through mightily however with our incredible space rocket made from tyre guards. Oh the humble tyre - is there anything it can't do?

mmmmmm krispy kreme

2005-10-28T16:05:00.000+10:00

23 days to go

2005-10-28T15:56:00.000+10:00

After a quick visit to krispy kreme at Sydney airport this morning I boarded my gorgeous flight back to melbourne and the glamorous whirl of trailer trash rehearsals ... hold the phone .. there has been an "incident" at melbourne airport and we are all getting off the plane again - what!? I've barely had time to skim my In Style magazine!
Turns out melbourne airport was CLOSED for two hours because some red neck Thai airways pilot did the worlds greatest burnout on the Tullamarine tarmac. This resulted in our flight being FOUR HOURS LATE!!! I mean, how many krispy kremes can a gal eat!? (quite a few as it turns out)
I subsequently had to dash directly from the airport to the studio without a moment for my pre-class latte, facial, manicure or colonic irrigation.
I was just tying up my tap shoe when the first mimi me tapped through the door and away we went for four hours of non stop tapping action. i am so LOVING everyones work at the moment. Those big production numbers are looking FABULOUS - only 23 sleeps to go!

If you need me I'll be in the VIP area.

2005-10-28T10:33:00.000+10:00

24 days to go

2005-10-28T10:28:00.000+10:00

Tonight was the glamorous premiere of Lawrences Johnston's new film "Once a Queen".
Glamour reigned, as did Queen Katina, the current Jacaranda Queen, whose official duties included pulling out the raffle tickets for the door prize of a bottle of kahlua, and two souvenir glasses in a tasteful presentation tray lined in raffia.
The film is fabulous and will be shown at ACMI in November for those of you not invited to the VIP purple carpet opening.

show us your sash

2005-10-28T10:23:00.000+10:00

25 days to go

2005-10-28T10:08:00.000+10:00

Whilst "Harper Valley PTA", "Jackson", "Lullaby of Broadway", and other trailer trash tunes were being played in St Kilda last night, I was busy at the dress rehearsal for this year's Miss Jacaranda Queen Pageant in Scenic Grafton. There, the tunes were more of your hoky poky variety, and the fashions all sparkled, as only an Osti frock purchased from Miss Pegg, of the Clothes Pegg in Main Street Grafton can do.
I can only dream of one day being sashed the queen of the jacarandas, or perhaps just the holiday princess. In the meantime, I love visiting Grafton as it is full of so many old queens.

Greetings from the Pet Porpoise Pool

2005-10-28T10:02:00.000+10:00

26 days to go

2005-10-28T09:55:00.000+10:00

Every showgirl needs a day of to keep her eyes wrinkle free and to stop her brain from exploding (not to mention the bleeding toothpicks that are where her dainty legs used to be)

I took mine in sunny Coffs Harbour, home of the biggish banana, but more importantly, home of the Pet Porpoise Pool. Nothing relaxes me more than feeding a slimy dead fish to a slimier live one, or than being kissed on the cheek by a well whiskered seal.

Actually, playing with dolphins is a LOT of fun. I can't believe I got tired of throwing the ball to them before they did! Next time you're in Coffs, please stop by to visit my new best friends Zippy and Bucky, and toss them a slimy sardine from me!

One can of spam can make 3 spamburgers

2005-10-27T15:34:00.000+10:00

27 days to go

2005-10-27T15:10:00.000+10:00

Trailer Trash Shopping List.

1. Furniture with built in cup holders
2. Old tyres to cut in half and line driveway with
3. blunt razor for trimming mullet
4. Native american jewellry made of jade and silver, at least six pieces
5. any plastic cup being sold at McDonalds
6.spam, macaroni and cheese, krispy kreme, diet soda (6 x 2 litre bottles)
7. VO5 hairspray (3 x jumbo cans)
8. holiday 40's cigarettes (menthol)
9. 25kgs dog food & 40 large bones for the pets
10. lotto tickets ($300.00 worth)

Trailer Trash to do list.

1. Pick up dole checque ($320.00)
2. Get roots done.
3. Buy 3 new rottweilers
4. Paint car (with a roller)
5. stick new woodgrain contact on to kitchen table
6. get xxx brazillian touched up
7. try to get tickets to rikki lake
8. stalk shannon noll
9. avoid man from demtel collection agency
10. pick scab

Miss Nadia is an excellent hairdresser

2005-10-22T22:41:00.000+10:00

28 days to go

2005-10-22T22:34:00.000+10:00

Yesterday i had a hairdo from the glamorous Miss nadia as i was looking a wee bit like witchy poo. Miss Nadia is an origianl glamour puss showgirl, mistress'o'glamour, and honorary tapping cowpoke - (cowpoke name: Patty Stacker - sister of Kay -Tel) - what credentials!!

She will be playing many small but pivotal roles in the tapping trailer trash tour - human coconut tree, dolly parton look-a-like (with nerf footy knockers), vegas showgirl, and six foot long leg!! (complete with shoe and fishnets!)

Miss nadia is, of course a method tap dancer, and in research for her role as human leg, will only tap out morse code to communicate with people. She also drops a coconut whenever there's a stiff breeze.

Our controversial show poster

2005-10-21T09:59:00.000+10:00