Monday, December 26, 2005

346 days to go

OK kids, well obviously all the Christmas martinis and late nights and shopping frenzys and long lunches and lying around watching cable and cracking bottles of champagne and getting pedicures and trying on every shoe in melbourne and testing every lipstick and painting the studio and playing with the fairy lights and counting the sleeps until santa comes have FINALLY caught up with me, and it's time for trailer park manager peggy sue scragface to switch on the no vacancy sign and temporarily close the trailer park gate.

I'll be jetting to swinging las vegas in the morning before moving on to memphis for elvis's birthday - I can hardly believe it!! - and get back the day before tap classes resume - won't that make me a glamorous sight on Monday 23rd!!

For those who know where to find my EXTRA secret blog - I'll be hanging out there until classes resume, and miss scragface deigns to open the trailer park once again.

Thanks for keeping me company in the trailer park, and meet you back here in February!

miss jane

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

scrooge mc banana

347 days to go

aaah, holidays - how one loses track of the hours, the days and even the weeks.
The tapping cowpokes have played their last gig for the year, and it was spectacular!
The ABC's Country Christmas Roundup was soooooooooo much fun, and not just because Helen Razer was smashed and swore like a trouper to Mr Grant all night long!

The only tragedy was that the crowd went so wild that an encore was demanded and we hadn't rehearsed anything else! - oops.

I mean, there's nothing more depressing than actually rehearsing an encore dance and then waiting in the wings while the fairy claps peter out within two seconds.

I have now firmly cemented my friendship with ABC Christmas party guru Miss Nicola, and not only because they seem to be able to borrow ANYTHING from the ABC props department at a moments notice. The cowpokes had the best set EVER complete with painted scenery, and prop cows, horses, cacti, and skulls - complete happy days. Where's the camera when you need it!?

Tragically neither the bananas in pyjamas NOR kath'n'kim were on hand, but we did dance the night away to the DJ styling of Miss Fiona Scott Norman, who not only played every song the glamour kittens have ever tapped to, but then finished her set with danke schoen by Wayne Newton.

I can think of no better way to see our taxes at work.

Monday, December 19, 2005

some topics are off limits to everyone but trailer camp tramps

348 days to go

This important news just in from our trailer park correspondant in Western Australia, Miss Annabel.

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. They say its just for the Christmas Period.

More news at it comes to hand.

hello sailor! Some of the less naughty sweet sherries

349 days to go

Miss Michelle, of sweet sherrys fame has posted some trailer trash pics at
I promise there are no pics of Mister John and his rubber bottom.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

safety pants + attachment = hilarious

350 days to go

safety pant post script: It is, in my opinion, the height of sophisticated humour to attach something to the safety pant for hilarious audience reactions.It might go over some people's heads, but I'm sure the people who made "are you being served" and all those "carry on" movies forged ahead regardless of the same concerns.

Point in case - take eight glamorous showgirls - let them whiz around the dance floor just before interval. wait until the last moment - they turn around and show their safety pants - each has a large letter attached, and together they spell out INTERVAL. A glamour puss classic - my sides are almost splitting thinking of it now.

I'm also fond of lining the gals up the same way at the end of the show with THE END - funny for more reasons than one - definately might be too sophisticated for your mainstream audience - more for those who like Don Rickles and sizzling max vegas.

wear your safety pants, safety pants

351 days to go

If there is one thing I pride myself on, it is introducing a generation of showgirls to the safety pant.

The safety pant is a LARGE plain black, or plain white underpant that should be worn AT ALL TIMES on the stage in case of an unintentional flash. The safety pant, whilst providing zero titilation to the onlooker, AND covering up the treasury gardens areas quite thoroughly can also look like an intentional costuming addition, if safety pants are applied by all the dancers in your troupe.

My mission to spread the word of the safety pant began in drama school. During a particularly moving creative dance piece to something by Kate Bush, and involving the smoke machine, Katie Noonan was supposed to appear on the jungle jim, and throw herself about dramatically wearing a beige unitard.

Tragically for all involved, Katie chose to wear an ill fitting floral underpant under her opaque unitard, and our VERY serious dance piece soon went horribly wrong.

Years later when the tapping cowpokes first hit the stage the unintentional flashing of an underpant was guaranteed at almost every performance. The safety pant was so revered that we took to singing "wear your safety pants, safety pants" to the tune of the safety dance, a 1980's hit by men without hats.

Now we come to the end of the tapping year, and I can virtually guarantee that those tappers not wearing rhinestone encrusted g-strings for authenticity, were wearing a safety pant during the entire run of the tapping trailer trash tour.

My work here is done.

One note: be sure to remove the safety pant and replace with something by Collette Dinnigan before attending any post show parties involving champagne and hotties. trust me on this.

Friday, December 09, 2005

buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks

352 days to go

Today I ate my first pop tart.

A pop tart seems to be two delicious slices of cardboard with a scraping of sugary jam in the middle. mmmm delicious! they're all the go here in the trailer park.
This pop tart was a gift, so it was sutably pink - to be precise it was a cherry frosted pop tart! The name by itself wreaks of good health and a low calorie factor.
In fact, if only I'd had a can of Tab to drink with it, I believe i would have all the vitamins and minerals the human body requires for at least a week!

Yesterday I tried another trailer trash treat - crackerjacks. They made me sing "take me out to the ballgame" all day long. I was very excited to get my "prize", as the prize in a box of crackerjacks is the stuff of legends! My prize? A piece of paper ( a small one at that)with a picture of a fisherman on it, and when you folded it in half, it turned into a picture of a fish - HOURS of non stop entertainment - get the kids off their nintendos and ipods and into a box of crackerjacks I say. Those prizes will definately keep them off the streets and away from drugs.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I love a drunk santa

353 days to go

Bring on the Christmas Parties!

Although i have not been to one involving karaoke, fairy floss, and people dressed as pineapples since our own Christmas extravaganza, I did go to a lovely "film industry" party last night involving a gross of Ikea votive candles, a slab of champagne, a gaggle of celebrities, a plethora of 1950's movie stars being projected on to the walls, a duo of hilarious DJ's and a single sausage in bread. If only there had been a drunk santa it would have had all the essential elements of a top night out!

Tragically I had to depart in the wee hours (as opposed to the wee wee hours)to keep myself nice for the ensuing early morning cowpoke rehearsal.

What a shame the can't same be said for certain other cowpokes seen leading the conga line at four am, and then at rehearsal complete with dark glasses, a litre of water, and jiffies a mere five hours later.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I love a snowdome, especially by Franklin Mint

354 days to go

Free tickets are worth exactly what they cost - except for when you get a free programme as well as still feel a little bit ripped off.

The lovely Mr Glynn Nicolas often does a spot of rehearsing in our glamorous St Kilda studio. He is lovely, he can tap dance, and he always leaves a bottle of champagne behind. Love him. Love him all day.

My love of the Glynnster was only multiplied when he chose a snowdome as the artwork for his Christmas spectacular "Oh Come All Ye Stressful". My love of the snowdome is internationally recognised, and my Radio City Music Hall snowdome, complete with mini rockettes is one of my most prized possesions.

But I digress.

It's always a happy day when a free ticket comes your way, so I grabbed my "Oh come all ye stressful" ticket with both hands, popped on my Stuart Weitzman pumps and teeterd off to The Palms at Crown Casino.

May I just say The Palms is THE glamour cabaret spot in Melbourne (since Capers Theatre restaurant closed down)My first experience of it was seeing "Leader of the Pack", starring our own Miss Rachel, and my love has not diminished. It's EXACTLY like a Vegas showroom, so what's not to love. And it's NEW, so the seats have no cigarette burns and the carpet isn't even sticky.Your champagne comes in a glamorous ice bucket (someone steal me one of those please),the banquettes wreak of old Hollywood glamour, and there are even Morrocan style cushions you can wedge beside you if you get stuck sitting next to a smelly stranger.

But I digress.

The best thing about "Oh Come All Ye Stressful" is that our own Mr Greg plays drums in the santa showband. happy days. The second best thing is that it stars the Kransky Sisters who i LERV. The third best thing is ..... The third best thing is .... The third best thing is ....

Did I mention the ice buckets?

Monday, December 05, 2005

and if you can't read ...... SING!!

355 days to go

Miss Jane's holiday reading list....

1. The back of my safeways dockets so i can get 10 % off my next entree at the lobster cave in Glen Waverly

2. Any book by David Sedaris, but the Santaland Diaries is essential reading at Christmas time

3. ALL the Eloise books by Kay Thompson, but especially "Eloise at Christmas time"

4. Anything (I mean EVERYTHING) by Jacquelline Sussan - essential airport reading

5. Our own Miss Annabel's just published debut novel "A new map of the Universe". Visit her at

6. Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels (my guilty pleasure)

7. Anything published by Lonely Planet (excellent for back yard day dreaming)

8. Any crappy showbiz biography or autobiography, especially involving glamorous stars of the 1950's, Sammy davis Jnr, Marilyn, or Elvis.

9. Mao's last dancer (thanks miss dot)

10. Anything from Oprah's book club

Sunday, December 04, 2005

cleaning the trailer park is not my forte

356 days to go

You know phase one of moving house when you start to pack boxes with all your gorgeous things wrapped in acid free tissue and each box topped with a lavendar bag, and then clearly dymo labelled?

And phase two where you panic you won't know where anything is, so you pack a first night survival kit, usually involving a screwdriver, a torch, some toilet paper and a bottle of champagne.

In phase three the furniture starts going, and you are just left with piles of miscellaneous crap in every room, that could be a stack of old "Who" weeklies, but also might be your tax returns from the last eight years so you can't just chuck it all?

Well, our once glamorous St Kilda studio is reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally looking like an extreme phase three.

I think the rot set in when we lost the lids to the eleven bottles of sauce we had at the Christmas party so we ( ok, I ) just left them on a tray in the middle of the floor until they calcified. (i believe that's what Martha Stewart would have done)

Of course we also have the dismantled klassy lady AND a large NASA space rocket crammed in there awaiting transportation to our beautiful Richmond studio.

Not to mention the HOURS of Joan Crawford like coathanger addiction that is required to hang up all those cast off costumes.

And quite frankly a little febreeze would go a long way in there too!

I wonder if it can wait until january....

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm going to graceland, graceland, memphis, tennesee

357 days to go

More vacation thoughts - I am now mapping out the seven kitsch wonders of the world to see if I can squeeze them into one trip - I'm sure I can do it!

1. graceland - memphis, tennesee
2. tail'o'the pup hotdog stand in the shape of a giant hotdog - los angeles
3. siegfried and half of roy - las vegas
4. texas cheerleading moms - houston
5. beach blanket babylon - sanfransisco
6. hong kong disneyland - hong kong
7. the big pineaple - queensland

hmmm - looks like the big pineapple misses out - but everything else on that list - here I come!

best. present. ever.

358 days to go

man, I am feeling the love.

LOVE Slim for karaoke excellence.
LOVE Mr warren and Miss wendy for bringing the barbecue
LOVE the glamour kittens for bringing so much for our St Vinnies Christmas hampster
LOVE mother nature for refusing to rain
LOVE Miss Margot for bringing the pineapples
LOVE all the hula costumes
LOVE the glamour kitten of the year Miss Pat
LOVE the starlette of the year Mr Tony
LOVE the giant lollipop the shirley temples gave me
LOVE the pinata of glamour
LOVE all the champagne!
LOVE everything about those crazy sunnyboy showbags
LOVE Miss Kirtsten's poem
LOVE Miss Mabelline's show tunes
LOVE Miss Pam's gorgeous dance (and flashing of her undies)
LOVE Mr Grant singing Rawhide
LOVE all the golden glammies recipients
LOVE the klassy lady
LOVE Miss Louella's pineapple cocktail glass
LOVE the human pineapples
LOVE the K-tel v-slicer
LOVE that i forgot to turn on the fairy floss machine (I have 2 kgs of pink sugar here if anyone needs to borrow a cup)
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY UNDENIABLY LOVE the most gorgeous present I have ever received - I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know much, but I know I love you! (and that may be all I need to know)

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